today i thought about dying.

Not in a bad way or anything.

But as I walked through the woods with just my mum, my brother and our dog, I mulled over the concepts of my life when it comes to the time I have to leave this world.

Before I die I want to know that I’ve told the people that really matter that I love them. And I want them to know I mean it with everything that I am. I want to walk through an autumn wood with no one but the love of my life. I want to hear the crunch of the yellow and orange leaves underneath my boots and I want to see the sunshine seeping in through the trees. I want to hear the little birds singing their hearts out and I want to spin around in the trees without a care in the world.

I want to walk along a beach and sink my toes into black sand and I want to hear the ocean sloshing on the beach. I want to find a shell that is so delicate that I don’t want to touch it for fear of breaking it but one that is also large enough so I can put it to my ear and pretend it is the sea I’m hearing; not the blood circulating in my ear. I want to run into the sea with my clothes partially rolled up and get salt grit in my hair.

I want to walk down the streets of New York where nobody knows who I am, but one person out of the blue starts up a conversation with me. And tells me they love my English accent. And takes me for coffee so that we can talk some more.

I want to dance in the snow without  a care in the world and feel like the ballerina I always wanted to be.

I want to sing ‘The Best Day’ by Taylor Swift to my mum when she’s feeling horrible and decrepid just to let her know that I love her and she will always be special to me.

I want to play swingball one last time with my brother making pirate noises. And I want to cuddle up on a sofa with him and reminisce about our childhood long into the hours of the morning.

I want to do so many things that the list will go on and on.

And when I die, I want my blood preserved so that it can be used for blood transfusions. I want to donate all my organs to needy patients. And everything else that is in my body that could be useful to someone I want them to take. I want to save people’s lives even when I’m gone. I want to keep on living so that my family cannot grieve fully. Because I will not be dead.

I want to be cremated and I want my ashes thrown out over the sea.

I’d like them thrown out over Beachy Head and a sign left there to stop suiciders and make them really think before they jump off the cliff. I want them to know that even when they feel their lowest that there is always someone there. I want them to find God instead of finding their death.

And I’m not scared of dying.

I know that my God will protect me and lead me on this journey and help me grow and understand and see this beautiful planet that he created.

 

Through all my wants and needs I don’t want anything as much as I want to put a smile on someone’s face everyday I live on this earth. I want to know that no matter how horrible I’ve felt one day, that I’ve put a ray of sunshine in someone else’s day. No matter how small.

 

So I leave you with these thoughts. Next time you think that your life isn’t worth living, think again. In the words of Taste, “There is so much more to life than this”.

Goodnight and God bless,

I love you for reading this.

Rachel xxx

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